I recently read a wonderful article by the wonderful Maggie Dent titled Understanding Teen Boy’s Anger. Maggie is commonly referred to as the “queen of common sense” and one of Australia’s leading parenting authors and educators. She has a background in teaching, counselling, suicide prevention and has also worked in palliative care. Maggie advocates for the healthy, common-sense raising of children in an effort to strengthen families and communities.
In her article, which has been included below, Maggie discusses how brain development in that crucial time when boys enter ‘manhood’ provides a good foundation to understanding why our boys sometimes do the “boy-things” they do. She goes on to suggest some strategies to work with boys in managing their anger and attempts to clearly define the difference between frustration and anger. It is this point that I feel it is worth contributing on from my own experiences.
Why is being able to explain your emotions important for boys?
I have had many conversations with adolescent boys after an event has occurred in which they were unable to manage their emotions (which in itself is another huge area of learning). What I am normally met with in these conversations, is an individual who, despite having the time to calm down, often still is unable to clearly articulate their emotions. Boys tend to both generalise and down-play big emotions by using terms such as ‘mad’, “pissed off” or “angry” to describe all manner of feelings. What we often find is that in asking the right questions or by giving them enough time, these are replaced with their true feelings such as “disappointed”, “embarrassed” or “scared”. Until we can know what feeling has led to an instance where a boy was unable to manage his emotions, the focus on supporting him cannot begin.
So what can you do to help your son with this?
My advice to those that work with young people in this area is ‘time’ and ‘presence’. Young people need time between experiencing big emotions and processing both what has occurred and why their emotions were effected in the way they were. This certainly does not mean ignoring the situation. Whether it is at home, school or in other social settings, acknowledging the event and ensuring that the young person knows there will be a conversation allows them the opportunity to calm down and begin thinking about what has occurred. Once time has been given, it is vital that we are entirely present in the conversation. Avoid talking while you’re cooking dinner or driving to pick up siblings (as both of these activities require your attention elsewhere and have a clear end point). Focus on what they are saying and on clarifying and redirecting them away from generalising and down-playing. Try offering suggestions for their words that more accurately reflect the situation or emotions present. Make sure to also show them gratitude for allowing you to share in their emotions and focus on how situations like this allow for them to grow in to adulthood. Most importantly, make sure that they know that they are cared for.
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