There are resources available which assist parents to develop the right strategies for communicating with their teenagers. The website Understanding Teenagers has many informative (and sensible!) articles about teenagers, their behaviour and how to be a good parent for them. One I found was called “3 Ways to Kill Communication With Your Teenager.” An edited extract is below.
It is the lament of many parents with teenage children, “They don’t talk to me. I don’t know what is going on.” Teenagers drive their parents to despair as the steady stream of information about what is happening in their life slows to a discouraging trickle of grunts and whatever’s.
There are of course several reasons for this happening that parents have little control over. First, teenagers need to create some space between themselves and their parents as part of developing their own adult identity. Secondly, teenagers, particularly boys, often struggle to process and verbalise what is happening for them, so they are not that good at communicating with anyone, parents included. Thirdly, there is just stuff no one wants to talk about with their parents – ever.
However, despite these natural obstacles to parent teen communication there are other obstacles parents create themselves, often without knowing they are doing it. These obstacles prevent or discourage teenagers from trying to talk to their parents about anything.
Failure to Validate: Validation occurs when we acknowledge, accept, and nurture another person’s feelings, beliefs, or identity. It is an essential part of establishing open patterns of communication and building strong healthy relationships. Parents fail to validate (invalidate) their teenagers when they ignore, reject, belittle or dismiss their teen’s feelings. Invalidation is at the core of most communication breakdowns, especially between parents and their kids. Common ways parents invalidate their teenagers include offering advice instead of listening; denying the significance of situations and labeling feelings as unacceptable.
Instead, try to offer to listen, acknowledge their feelings, empathise with them, remain present (physically and emotionally) and accept where they are without judging them or trying to ‘fix’ them.
Ms Anna Blore (Head of O’Brien House)