Written and Narrated by Jacob Knowles.
If there is one thing that we know about most adolescent boys, it’s that they have no shortage of confidence. Monday mornings in the school yard are often spent regaling their friends with stories from a weekend sporting match, family activity or some other adventure. Boys tend to not shy away from sharing these stories to anyone who is willing to listen and because of this they appear to exude confidence. One area of research coming from mental health advocates both in Australia and the United Kingdom is that the broad labelling of a young person as ‘confident’ can be extremely detrimental to their long term mental health and wellbeing.
The reason for this is, like many labels, failing to see ‘confidence’ as a fluid attribute can have serious consequences. Boys want to be seen as confident and will often say and do things that strengthen this idea. When this happens often enough, those in their close circle of support can fail to see them as anything other than a confident person. When things start to go wrong or they experience something that they are unable to process and work through themselves, they often feel alone and unable to reach out for help. Helping our young people develop in to truly confident people is a shared responsibility for those involved in working with them if they are to reach their full potential.
Author and Psychotherapist from the ‘Very Well Family’ Amy Morin suggests the following strategies for raising confident young people:
- Promote Self-Improvement
Often, young people that find it difficult to master a particular skill may decide that they are failures. Those who have difficulty understanding a math concept may decide they aren’t intelligent at all. Or those who aren’t selected in the top football side may decide they aren’t any good at sports. Young people need to see that accepting our flaws is important as it directs us to find ways to become better. It is important to therefore find the balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement. Instead of labelling themselves as “stupid”, work with them to see that although they are struggling with a particular concept, they have strengths in other areas and can set goals and strive to overcome the challenge they are facing.
- Praise Effort Instead of Outcome
Although it may seem obvious, instead of praising young people for the good mark they receive on an assessment task, praise them for all of the work that they put in to achieve it. Focus on the training that went in to winning the match rather than scoring a try or kicking a goal. It is also important to stress the point that it’s OK if they don’t succeed and that the effort put in to trying is equally important. It is important for young people to understand that they can control the effort they put in, but can’t always control the overall outcome. Acknowledge and praise the energy they have for an activity so they don’t see praise as something that only comes with success.
- Teach Assertiveness Skills
Young people need to learn the skills on how to speak up for themselves in appropriate situations and in an appropriate manner. By being assertive, they will be able to ask for help when they don’t understand something instead of keeping quiet. At school, this may be the difference between asking for further explanation rather than falling behind. Young people who can speak up are also less likely to be treated poorly by other students. They will be able to speak up for themselves or to an adult when they don’t like how they are being treated. They will also be able to stand up for others when they see them being treated unfairly.
- Encourage them to Explore New Opportunities
As with many other areas of adolescent development, trying new activities and experiences and generally challenging themselves in new ways can help improve a young person’s confidence. Many young people fear making themselves vulnerable in new situations and don’t want to embarrass themselves. Encouraging them to try a new activity, learn a musical instrument, or find a part-time job is a great way to develop skills that can directly improve confidence.
- Model Confidence
Young people will learn the most about confidence based on their observation of influential people in their lives. It is all about what they do and not what they say. If they observe these people making critical statements about their abilities or the abilities of others, they’ll likely learn to do the same. Role modelling how to approach new situations with a sense of courage demonstrates the importance of having confidence in yourself. We should also demonstrate courage by talking to our young people about times when we have had to overcome challenges and the steps that were taken to do this.
- Build Self-Worth on a Healthy Foundation
Many young people only feel good when they receive a certain amount of ‘likes’ on social media or when they receive praise from their peers. These same individuals are likely to struggle to find confidence when these situations don’t occur. When we base self-worth on superficial measures, external circumstances, or simply other people, it often leads to a lack of confidence in the long run. We can help our young people build a healthier foundation of self-worth by sharing our values with them to show that true self-worth is about living according to those values.
- Balance Freedom with Guidance
Young people need to be able to make choices without parents and teachers micromanaging them. When this occurs, it only reinforces that we don’t trust them to make good decisions independently. Finding a balance that includes the right amount of freedom with plenty of guidance is extremely important. It is important to provide our young people with opportunities to practice the skills we have worked hard to teach them. Letting them experience natural consequences means that they will learn from their own mistakes. In time, they will develop increased confidence in their ability to make healthy choices.
- Help Develop Positive Self-Talk
A person’s inner monologue plays a major role in how they feel about themselves. For young people, if their inner voice focuses on negative things they are likely to develop a negative outlook on most things. Teaching our young people to develop healthy self-talk is vital for their happiness. Talking to them about these thoughts is also very important. We need to help refocus irrational negative thoughts with more optimistic positive ones giving them confidence to work hard to achieve what they want.
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