For most of us, the mere thought of having to stand in front of a room full of people, teenage boys at that, and talk is not an uncommon anxiety. Once you have worked out a way to grab their attention (usually requiring some serious contortions of the face) and hushed the sounds that in many cases you could be forgiven for thinking were not human, you then feel a second wave of panic strike. In a world where students are constantly connected to some form of electronic device, holding their attention for a period longer than it takes to’ swipe left’ is a real challenge. But have we parents and teachers alike, always felt that same fear of not being able to hold the attention of our children in a one on one conversation?
What was once a favourite pastime, talking and sharing stories with our children, is now a fearful experience which often results in raised voices and stern words exchanged. Short of taking performance art classes, how can we figure out a way of keeping our teenagers attention long enough to engage in meaningful conversation, or to follow instructions?
Let’s face it, as a result of our children growing up with modern technologies and being constantly ‘entertained’ while being attached to some type of social media or electronic device, they are all losing the ability to find the joy in good old fashioned, meaningful conversations. They also struggle to listen for reasonable periods of time without zoning out and having their attention pulled elsewhere.
An article in the Sydney Morning Herald by James Paterson, an ex -teacher and counsellor, turned freelance writer, suggests that it is not just young people who are easily distracted, losing interest or struggling to hold focus. He suggested one of the reasons for this lapse in attention in children is because ‘ Parents and teachers are pressed for time and so practicing in the repeated, structured, routine and daily patterns that help develop connection with young people are lacking’. Another researcher Neal Rojas, a paediatrics professor who has studied attention issues suggests, often the problem is salience – the complex process our brains go through to determine what from the outside world should get and keep our attention. Unfortunately, his research has found that the “salience ratio” has to be substantially high to get a teenagers attention and focus to move from familiar and engaging screens. (Patterson .J, 14 August 2018)
Recent studies done in July this year have also confirmed that by design, electronic devices are designed to deliver insistent, intrusive systems of delivery such as news alerts, emails and texts. This means all users (including adults) are constantly just waiting for the next distraction or overlapping commitment. It shows clearly that even a phone that is turned off undermines our focus and problem solving because the prospect of receiving a text message occupies space in the brain, splintering our attention. Jackson suggests that in our time poor society, “adults multi-tasking and children’s connection to electronic devices means we are grooming them to only be ‘half there’ or present in shallow ways only. Fully focused attention towards others is a rarity in their world”.
If you want to get back to basics and retrain yourself and your children about the beauty of engaging fully in deep connection with others, here are 5 tips that might help combat an attention deficit:
- Be attentive yourself – concentrate on delivering one message to your teenager and do not attempt to do it while you are juggling other competing demands. If they detect you are only semi engaged with them, you won’t be more appealing than their exciting screen.
- Have Rules – don’t give up on reinforcing strict time frames around the use of electronic devices. The less time they spend on them, the more they are connected, attentive and present in real world experiences and are developing parts of their brain that help with focus and concentration.
- Engage – Child Psychologist Sharon Saline says if you want your child or teenager to be attentive and really listen, get close, make eye contact at their level, use their name several times during the conversation and then get them to participate in the conversation by repeating what you have spoken to them about.
- Don’t Nag – Author Catherine Pearlman says children disconnect and become inattentive if we talk at them a lot. Try to ensure you talk with them about things they see as important and show you are attentively listening when they speak.
- Consider outlets – active children who get lots of exercise have increased attention levels and are more likely to engage in deep thinking activities and conversations if they know there is opportunity for physical activity also.
None of the above strategies seem like rocket science to me; however, even while I was writing this article on the weekend, I said “yes, yes, yes”, 3 times to my four year old while he was talking to me and I had no idea what he was asking. When he eventually realised I was only ‘half there’, he proceeded to go and jump off the back of the lounge chair onto the cushions he had managed to lay all over the family room floor without my noticing. I then realised I had glanced up from my screen only momentarily as I called out to him, warning of the danger of the activity and instructing him to stop, which not surprisingly, he did not. It’s not that we don’t know we should be doing these basic, common sense things to engage our children, it is that we have to remind ourselves that even when we are time poor, if we don’t model being attentive when they talk with us, we will not get that in return from them.
For more information, visit (http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/why-it-s-so-hard-to-get-kids-attention-according-to-science-20180812-p4zx0d.html)
Leanne Gair (Treacy Head of House)