Written and Narrated by Jacob Knowles.
It is all too common a disagreement between teachers and parents about who takes the lead in raising and forming a child. The home is the centre of life for children. It’s a place where most take their first steps, say their first words and, as they grow, learn the basis for social behaviour. The school is where the mind is nurtured, more rigorous decision making skills developed and where the consequences for a child’s actions are made clear through routines and common expectations.
As an educator for over a decade, this ongoing disagreement is one that I find extremely interesting. There are many parents who claim the school is the place for students to learn and this learning assumes the full scope of knowledge and includes skills necessary for them to face their future. Yet there are equally as many parents who are steadfast in their belief that schools are for curriculum and that the home is where the child’s moral compass is designed, developed and nurtured. Within schools, there are also teachers that agree with both sides of this argument.
I believe that it is time to consider that both sides to this argument are completely right and at the same time completely wrong. It is also time to consider that it doesn’t matter who takes the lead on this and that it both takes a village to raise a child but that the child has no sense of the village unless they believe it to be a place they belong.
There is an old African proverb that reads “the child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it’s warmth”. This lays at the heart of what parents and teachers should be focusing on when looking at the best interests of raising a child. For some children, home is a place that does not ‘embrace’ them. They feel as though they are outsiders, isolated and unable to connect with the family unit. For other children, this is their schooling life. School is a place of hardship and heartache, of hopelessness and abandonment.
So why do children feel this way?
One of the key factors that sits behind these feelings lays in the breakdown of communication. Children undoubtedly need to know that what they do matters and this is best realised through dialogue between themselves and a person of significance to them. Children need to be spoken to instead of at, asked instead of told, respected instead of disregarded. Children need to be told they are important. That they matter. That they have endless potential to make a difference both in their own lives and in the lives of other people. They need to know they have made someone proud and that they are loved unconditionally regardless of their decisions and actions.
Most people throw the book (so to speak) at technology as being the root of all evil when it comes to the decline in communication skills in children. I too agree that technology impacts negatively on young people. I do believe however, that we as adults must recognise our part in the problem. Both at home and school, technology is a tool that should be used to enhance learning and development through instruction given by us as adults. We must role model the proper way technology should be used and include limiting its use in favour of spending time in conversation with each other.
So how do we help our children warm to their villages?
The answer sits in communication. We must make time to have rich, sincere and deep discussions about the world our children live in. We must also recognise that this is rarely the same world that we believe they live in. That what we see and what they experience are completely different. What we believe they worry about may fail to register on their priorities when in competition with the many other forces at play on any given day. We must talk to them about their world. Talk to them about what is important to them. What they are thinking and feeling. We have to tell them we care about them and that we are there for them in whatever challenge they may face.
There has been a lot of research in to effective communication between adults and children and both the positive and negative effect this can have on child development. Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp explains that “Positive emotional systems capture cognitive spaces, leading to their broadening, cultivation and development. The larger the sphere of influence of positive emotions we develop with children, the more likely the child will be happy.” Psychologist Nataliya Sirotich adds to this idea and proposes that, for parents, the first three minutes of speaking with their child are the most valuable. It is in this time that a child will share with you all of the information they recall for their day and the importance of what has or hasn’t occurred. During this three minutes, it is important for parents to be present, actively listen and acknowledge what is being communicated.
So what is the best way to respond to our children?
How we respond to children during conversations has a significant impact on developing relationships. Most children are born wanting to communicate with others and it is through their experiences growing up that this want increases or diminishes. The American Psychological Association provides the following communication tips for responding to children:
- Soften strong reactions; kids will tune you out if you appear angry or defensive
- Express your opinion without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it’s okay to disagree
- Resist arguing about who is right. Instead say, “I know you disagree with me, but this is what I think.”
- Focus on your child’s feelings rather than your own during your conversation.
Children today are growing up faster than we can even imagine. I frequently find myself telling students in my class that they need to ‘grow down’ a little bit after hearing them talk about things that their young minds should not be concerning themselves with. This is particularly true given the recent bushfires and current mass media around the coronavirus epidemic affecting many parts of the world. Our children are being flooded with facts and figures of the virus as well as the public reaction to this through things like toilet paper shortages at shopping centres. Our children are observing and responding to this without many of the necessary skills to fully understand the circumstances. Ensuring that we communicate a sense of belief and hope to our children is crucial because it isn’t easily found on our newsfeed or websites.
Finally, how do we make sure children don’t feel alone in all this?
During Dr Seuss’s story Horton Hears a Who, Horton the Elephant begs the Mayor of Whoville to make as much noise as possible so that the other animals in the Jungle of Nool will hear them and so they won’t get boiled in a “hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil”. The Who’s respond by shouting out “We are Here! We are Here! We are Here! We are Here!”. It is this that our children must believe every day both at home and at school. This belief is built around communication and an understanding that it is okay for children to ask for help in navigating their world as they grow. Children need to know we are here for them and that together we can work through any problems that we face.
Relationships rich in conversations create environments where children gain a sense that adults in their lives care for them and make time for them. This is the key to raising happy and resilient children and ones capable of asking for help because after all… “a persons a person, no matter how small.”
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